home

am home, am restless and can't sleep.

not too sure why - the past few days (have only been home for 2 days, really) have been somewhat okay. most of my time spent with the family. not entirely my favourite people to hang out with in the world, but it's comfortable. tension erupts on (probably) a daily basis (as i said, i've only been home for 2 days), but things are much more easily defused nowadays.

plus, i have to help my brother out with his studies, and try and be home when the parents are home so that they can see me, etc.

as if i felt a responsibility.

and i do.

and i want to do it.



or at least, i feel i should - for me, perhaps there exists a thin line between wanting to do something and feeling like i should, since doing something that i feel i should do (and doing it well) also gives me a certain sense of accomplishment, goodwill, pleasure...good things.

it's a bit warped, perhaps. but i've come to realise increasingly there are certain aspects of me i shouldn't be making apologies for - it's simply the way i am. can't change it.


or am i just being hopelessly tied down by this notion of responsibility?

many thoughts were running through my mind just now as i lay awake (partly waiting for the air-conditioner to cool down the roomii guess) and one of them was simply that i'd forget how to live for myself. i've come home beholden to family and country - i've come home as a sister, daughter, a civil servant ready to do my job well.

how about me? what defines me, then? i'm afraid it might be merely the above...and that i'd end up being happy about things, just the way they are.

selfish, selfish, thoughts.

or not?